LONG Hiatus :(

Well - I'm back. I'm not even really sure how long it's been since I've logged on and written something. It seems a lot has transpired since then.

I went through our miscarriage in August and found myself veering off the course I had been making for myself. Disappointing, yes. Life gets in the way... gets you off track. I try to tell myself it's fine, but it's hard not to feel like I've failed ONCE again because I let my emotions dictate my course. I guess it's a work in progress and should get used to it because it will be for the rest of my life.

So in the middle of my miscarriage madness, God surprised us with a huge blessing - a new pregnancy! It was so very unexpected and not 'planned' per say... but Lilah, D and I are all so very excited! Thus the reason it has been so long since I've been on to blog. I had such fierce nausea for three months. Straight. Every day. All. Day. It took all I had just to wake up and BE UP everyday, let alone do anything snarky and sarcastic on the internet :)

Fast forward two more months, and we're happy to announce we're expecting a baby BOY!

 I'm just thrilled to be so blessed to have one of each. Lilah is all girl - not even four years old yet, and her 'vanity' (a Little Mermaid plastic get up) is already overflowing with lotion, makeup brushes and sixty-seven head bands :) Though she's not afraid to play in the dirt (but hates getting it on her feet... go figure that one out) and go fishing with dad. She's so into dancing ballet and singing at the present time and seems to be a blushing big sister already!

And in the same token, I've always thought I was a boy mom. I'm nervous for trying to keep him in line and out of trouble, but I just can't wait to pinch his chubby little cheeks that he will no doubtedly have :) If he's anything like Lilah was, he'll have a head full of blonde hair, deep blue eyes and be anything but dainty. I can't wait to meet him. Not that Lilah wasn't so very exciting and such a blessing, but I feel after the miscarriage that I may appreciate my kids more now? You get lost in the day to day pick up your clothes, finish your milk, don't wipe your snot on the couch. You (at least I) sometimes forget to stop and smell the roses... just how precious those little noise makers are. It's definitely made me appreciate my little girl more. Slow down and be more patient with her. Life is just so sweet and I need to slow down and soak it in.

Let's just hope while I'm soaking it in, I can get rid of all the baby weight :)
Peace!

A Day to Stop

This morning, a pair of young brothers were killed in an early morning car accident, as well as the passenger of the other car. It was the first slippery roads of the season, and it resulted in a fiery crash.

I can't even imagine - believing in God, I know everything has a purpose, and this gives me peace during difficult situations. I just hope that if, God forbid, the difficult situation ever becomes mine, that I can hold onto that peaceful belief. I really hope so.

One of my daughter's little preschool mates has a five year old sister who is facing cancer in 90% of her body. They were giving her morphine every couple of hours, and the hospital that would be giving her some major radiation, said that if she was in too much pain, they wouldn't even give her radiation. Anne (Lilah's preschool teacher) and a few of us girls were discussing it at our weekly Bible study, and she said that the mother is just kind of at a loss right now. Kind of pulling away from God, because she just doesn't understand. The whole time in my head, I kept thinking, 'Oh, but you have to hold on. You have to know that even in this horrific, confusing time, there is a beautiful reason that this is happening.' I felt torn that she was pulling away from God, because I would never be angry with God, because I know He has a plan. Or would I? Lilah knows just which buttons to push and can really get the best of me, but she's my best friend. A part of me walking this earth. Even thinking about these scary situations, paralyzes me to put Lilah in those shoes. I stop breathing and almost feel a small part of me die for a split second.

You really don't know how you will react or the things you will do until actually faced with the situation. So I can't say with certainty that I would be able to just go with it - I'm hoping that is not sinning to say out loud, but hey, I'm human :). I do, however, feel a certain truth deep in my bones about the subject, though. I think it would be the only way for me to get through it. Knowing that this was planned before Lilah was even born. Knowing that everything God does, is for our good. We may not understand it at the time.... or until we get to Heaven. God is my refuge.

I just pray that the family of the car accident this morning and of that little girl can just hold on to God. It feels to me wrong to be telling these people this when I've never been there. The audacity of me is almost sickening. I just know that God is always there, and that His plan has been put in place long before now with a perfect fit. Our kids, our mothers, our brothers.... everyone was and is his first.

God, please show your grace on these families as well as all struggling and mourning. Show them that you are there and the path that they are to travel from this point on. Wrap your loving embrace around your children as you welcome theirs home. Glory be to You!

Dolphin Tale

Lilah and I are watching Dolphin Tale again today - we watched it a couple months ago, and she loved it. She was just heartbroken when I told her I had deleted it from DVR :(    Bad mommy!

If you haven't ever watched it, I highly suggest you do. Whether you have kids or not. It's an amazing story about a dolphin who got caught up in some wire and lost his tale. He learns to swim again with the use of a fake tale and this kid's help. The kid is a bit of a loner, and the dolphin only responds to him. It's a movie that I think every family should have.

Lilah is only three, and she is responding to 'real people' movies more and more. Which is probably normal for other kids the age of three :) Not like my kid is some emotional superhero! I love that she is in love with this movie that has such a message - just a wholesome movie. And the funny thing is, when Danny and I watch them with her, we really like them, too. A movie with a message. A wholesome message.

Hopefully, they don't stop making them in today's society :)

Quesadilla :)

If you don't know her, Sandy Martin plays the grandma on the movie Napoleon Dynamite. This movie has been a staple of my family/friends since it came out. We've quoted this movie since the beginning... and what more fitting for my family/friends than a crusty old grandma?!

My uncle lives in California, and has known Sandy for years. So he FINALLY brought us back autographed pictures of 'Grandma Napoleon' as we so affectionately call her here :) I could not put it down for at least ten minutes and had the faint stream of a tear in my eye! I suddenly found myself wondering where I could put it up in my house as though I still lived in a college dorm room.

Truth? It's now become immediately one of my most prized possessions (because I'm mature like that at 27), and I so desperately hope I can get to California to hang with Uncle Mark and 'Grandma Napoleon' :)

Now.... go make yourself a dang que-si-diLLa.

Pinterest problems

Tara's pinning? I rarely ever see pins from her, said no one ever.

But I came across a lovely thought just now - I was trying to find a pin of a beautiful winter scene that I had just saw, but then I came across another one to die for. So naturally had to pin that one. And after I pin one thing, the computer I'm on automatically takes me back to the freshest page. And I lost my winter pin :( Such is a dilemma I've grown accustomed to with my pinterest addiction :)

Blah, blah, blah.... my point.

It happens to go a little something like this:

If you keep telling the same sad, small story, you will keep living the same sad, small life.

Jean Houston, by God, I think you've struck on something!

I read it, pinned it... and then had a mental DUH! moment. Couldn't be truer! Is truer a word? Like... an adult word? Anyways - I've had struggles with breaking free of my sad, small story from my past. I felt the need to tell anyone I met what my history was so that they could understand why I was at the place I was when they met me. I was ashamed. Maybe it was even a defense mechanism for myself.... to help me be able to cope with where I had ended up. And everytime I told the story, I relived it. The hurt, the pain, and the shame. Never understanding that in retelling it... it was keeping me bound to it.

So when I read this quote, it hit me. Start telling a new story, Tara. Start telling the story that you want people to hear and know about... I can tell whatever story I want. I have to be the one to put my old, sad, small story away. But in letting that part of life go, how do you still not forget what it taught you and how it's changed you for the better? Maybe you can never truly 'forget' something. Not forget, but put away, rather. Maybe we wake up every day with every single thing that has ever happened to us, good and bad, and walk this life with those marks. I suppose we do. They shape us and our thoughts, opinions. They will effect every situation, action we ever do because they formed the person we are today. How do you really let go of that? It's almost like it's an old friend. They were there with you through the low points. Many times it was just you and them. You grew close to that feeling, action, situation even if in an unhealthy moment, because you felt alone to the outside world.

In an odd way, to me, it does feel a little like telling an old friend goodbye. Warped? Yes, probably a little. Hell, maybe a lot! Or maybe that old friend is me. That torn version of me that I felt so badly for. I feel bad for her, because she isn't strong enough alone, and I don't want to leave her. I mean, let's be honest, I used to tell my clothes sorry that I chose another outfit over them that day, and that I'd wear them tomorrow. If I can't let cotton hang in a closet....

I'll still be telling a new story. I'll just be trying to figure out where my old friend belongs at the same time.

Today you are you, that is truer than true.

I recently was introduced to a lady by the name of Brene Brown (minus the little accent mark above the e), and I strongly believe that she should be everyone's friend or therapist... anything. I'm in the middle of reading 'The Gifts of Imperfection' - she has studied shame and related topics and talks about living authentically in your own life. Realizing that in trying to be perfect is where shame lies, because 'perfect' is unattainable. It's such simple stuff but so hard to practice doing. It's so easy to get caught up in other people's views of us and how that makes us feel or feel like we can never fall apart because we want everyone to see us as though we have it ALL together. If you ever get the chance to read it, DO. It makes me feel like I have the permission to just BE MYSELF.

It's refreshing and genius. It's the way you're supposed to live your life. Believe in your own opinions and feelings. It's an empowering feeling to let go of the constraints of popularity and majority. Scary at times... but liberating. Kind of like the way I felt when I recently CHOPPED off my hair :) When my wonderful hair dresser snipped the hair above my ear, I 'bout puked. I was frozen! But when we were done, it had turned out better than fabulous - I knew I had found 'my' haircut. Freaking liberating.

Life can be amazing when you let yourself show. The true you. The real you. God made you YOU for a reason... why should we second guess his creation? Thank nuts He's a forgiver, because it seems kind of insulting if you ask me!

In trying to decide whether I should make this new undertaking of mine (blog) public knowledge, I went to a woman that I respect. She, too, has a blog but is also a very successful career woman and mother of two. I asked how you face that fear of letting other people know you are putting your honest thoughts and opinions down and telling everyone 'Hey! Come and look how good I think I am!' And of course, being the smarty pants this educated gal is, she brought in the big hitter... Brene Brown.

We can only be creative and free from the restraints of perfectionism when we stop competing and just let ourselves be.

Just let ourselves be. It's a beautiful, wonderful thought. 

Goosfraba

Life seems backwards if you ask me. During the years when you need the money and the time.... you have a family... your kids need things like clothes and shoes... and doctors appointments - during these years it seems as though you are stretching every inch of your money. Sometimes even copying and pasting. But when you're older and your kids are gone and your life slows down... then you have the time and less bills.

I've found that I want to run away from home way more as an adult than I ever did as a kid! Sure... as an adult you get to pick your own bedtime... eat dessert for breakfast if you want. But the trade off for that leisure part of your grown up world is responsibility. Bills. Child rearing (which is not usually a walk in the park) and making sure everyone has everything they need. Including your adult child also known as your husband ;)

I know God has perfect intentions of EVERYTHING in your life. And I know I am far from the only one who goes through this kind of stress. Which does make me feel better about the whole situation. Adults / parents are just trying to make it from month to month giving their families what they need. They must really mean it when they say to enjoy the little things - because in today's society and prices sky rocketing.... that's all you might get!!

I'm just looking for a goosfraba moment today!